Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: THE FINAL CHAPTER

Once again I'm butting in to Arianna's review in purple. Much like our previous review.

I can't believe it's over! Over! It's the end of an era! The end of a generation's fantastical focus and an industry's livelihood. Many of us grew up with Harry, and now both books and movies have reached their dramatic ends. Sob. Loud weeping. I thought the movie was pretty good, but as usual thought that if you hadn't read the books it must have been awfully confusing. I was doing a lot of filling in the holes as the movie went along.

I watched a couple of the earlier movies with my family before I went to see the final epic chapter with Alana and Anna. Harry, Ron, Hermione and company were so tiny! SO TINY AND WEE! Every time a new character game on screen I would squeal over how little they once were. Sigh. How time flies. And now Daniel Radcliffe is on Broadway taking off his clothes and singing and dancing about woodchucks and Emma Watson is a model and getting bullied at Brown and Rupert Grint is being in independent movies and Matthew Lewis, who plays Neville, turned out to be a total fox. Stone cold fox. Amazing.

To the movie! As usual, lots of spoilers ahead!

Setting the scene
Recap of the last couple seconds of the last film. Voldemort holds up the elder wand in triumph.
Nazgul, err, dementors float menacingly around Hogwarts.
Students march in formation.
Snape gazes off in to the distance.

Shell Cottage: A chat with a goblin
Harry: Griphook, I need to break into Gringotts.
Griphook: Don't be ridiculous.
Harry: No, seriously. I need to get into Bellatrix Lestrange's vault. I'm pretty sure there's a horcrux hidden there, on account of how upset she was during the last movie.
Griphook: You're out of your mind.
Ron: Yeah Harry, you're out of your mind.
Harry: I can get in if I have a goblin with me *looks significantly at Griphook*
Griphook: I want the sword of Gryffindor in return.
Harry:...OK...Why was Hermione so silent during this? Like an awkward hoverer.

Shell Cottage: A chat with a wand maker
Harry: So you told Voldermort how to find the elder wand, didn't you Mr. Ollivander?
Ollivander: He was torturing me! I had no choice! He'll probably never find it anyway.
Harry: Yeah, he already did.
Ollivander: Oh. Well then. Shall I give you some useful information about how wands work?
Harry: No time.

On the beach
Hermione(as Bellatrix): I feel awkward.
Ron: You look awkward. Let's pause a moment and give credit to how awesome an actress Helena Bonham Carter is. And also consider how shaggy and weird looking Ron's appearance is. Don't keep the beard Rupert, don't keep the beard.
Harry: All right, let's get this show on the road kids. And goblins.

Hermione: *as imperiously as she can be, which isn't very* I'd like to enter my vault. Also, may I say how much your makeup has improved since the first movie? Really nice job.
Goblin: *unmoved by flattery* Your wand Ms. Lastrange?
Harry: Imperio!
Goblin: *smiles serenely* Yes, of course, come along.

Outside the vault
Hermione: That is the saddest dragon I've ever seen.
Saddest dragon ever: *whimper*I would also like to point out that it's quite pathetic that the goblins torture the dragon with bells.

Inside the vault
Harry: I see it! It calls to me!
Hermione: *knocks over cup that starts multiplying*
Griphook: Everything you touch will multiply! (As he stands safely by the door)
Hermione: Yeah, thanks for the warning.
Ron: Man, I sure am glad that the metal isn't burning hot like it was in the books!
Hermione: Focus! We're being buried alive! Like Han Solo, Princess Leia, and Luke Skywalker on the Deathstar.
Harry: Got it!
Griphook: *betrayal!*
Ron: Great, now what?
Hermione: Jump on the saddest dragon ever!
Saddest dragon ever: FREEDOM! And tasty goblin treats!
Ron, Harry and Hermione: Ahhhhh!
Hermione: This was perhaps not my best idea.
Harry: Let's jump off now, while we're over the middle of an ocean! Everyone can swim, right?

On the beach
Ron: Harry, have you ever noticed that no matter what kind of crazy shit we get into, you never lose your glasses? I mean, we just jumped off the back a dragon into an ocean and swam to shore and you've still got your glasses. That's amazing!
Hermione: Honestly Ron, where have you been? I put a face-sticking charm on them first year.
Harry: There's a horcrux at Hogwarts! We have to go there now!
Hermione: Wait! We have to stop and plan for months and then..
Harry: Our plans never work! We spend all this time planning and then everything always falls apart! We might as well just dash right in, totally unprepared and it'll all turn out the same. Let's decide while Ron and I stand here without our shirts on and Hermione huddles beneath a towel.
Hermione: Well...OK. But only because I feel like we're getting close to the dramatic climax.

Room of bloody bodies
Sword of Gryffindor: *disappears*

Aberforth: You twits! Why on Earth did you come back?
Harry: We have a mission! As proclaimed by Dumbledore!
Aberforth: A mission? A nice easy one? Clear instructions? Know exactly what you're doing?
Aberforth: My brother could be a bit of a jerk. (I think he was implying that Albus was an ass of the highest degree) That's how my sister died.
Hermione: Oh, your sister Arianna, whose picture that is on the wall? Would you like to tell us about her and your family and Dumbledore growing up?
Aberforth: No.
Hermione: Oh. OK. So we're not going to learn about how Dumbledore was friends with Grindelwald and what happened to Arianna and all that stuff?
Aberforth: No.
Hermione: Well...can you get us into Hogwarts?
Aberforth: *to painting of Arianna* You know what to do.
Arianna: *walks away* *returns with...*
Harry, Ron and Hermione: Neville!
Alana, Anna and Arianna: Yay!

Room of requirement
Neville: Look who's back! Oh, also Ron and Hermione.
Students: *cheers, back slaps, etc.*
Seamus: What's the plan Harry?
Harry: We have to find something. It's here at Hogwarts.
Seamus: Where is it?
Harry: We don't know.
Seamus: What is it?
Harry: We don't know.
Seamus:...We're not off to a very good start, are we?
Ginny: *runs in* Snape wants...Harry!
*Ginny and Harry gaze at each other from across the room as Ron, in vain, tries to say hello to his sister*
Ginny: Oh, right. Snape knows Harry's here!

Hall at Hogwarts
*students march in in formation*
Student: Isn't this a little extreme? I feel like we're about five seconds away from goose-stepping.
Snape: Now I know I'm wearing an awful lot of eye shadow, but don't let that make you think for a second I'm any less awesome than I was before. Now I know that HARRY POTTER has returned to Hogwarts. If anyone has any information about HARRY POTTER they'd best step forward.
Students: *look at feet, twiddle thumbs, whistle*
Harry: That's right! I am here! And I felt the need to make a dramatic entrance!
Order of the Phoenix members: As did we!
Students: *cheers and applause*
McGonagall: *unleashes her awesome on Snape and the Carrows*
Snape: *pulls a Dracula and flies out the window*
McGonagall: Well, that was surprisingly easy. Why didn't we do that before?
*Voldemort starts talking in everyone's heads*
McGonagall: Oh, right.
Slytherins: *hysterically* Grab him!
Other students: Form up protectively around Harry.
Filch: Students out of bed! Students out of bed!
McGonagall: Yes, Mr. Filch. Thank you, I know. Would you be so kind as to escort the Slytherins to the dungeons? Unfortunately we don't have time to get all the underaged wizards out of the castle like we did in the book, so things are about to get really hectic in here.
Harry: *wandering about*
McGonagall: Mr. Potter, shouldn't you be LOOKING FOR SOMETHING!
Harry: Oh, right!
Hermione: Harry, Ron, who is sooooo smart, and I are going to go get some basilisk fangs to stab the horcruxes with!
Harry: Sounds like a plan.

Preparing for battle
McGonagall: *to Neville and Seamus* I need you to blow up the bridge.
McGonagall: Blow up the bridge!
Seamus: This is the happiest day of my life!
McGonagall: That's the spirit. *to statues* Piertotum Locomotor!
*statues come to life*
McGonagall: Hogwarts is under attack! Protect us! *giggling* I've always wanted to use that spell. Adorable.
George: *to Fred* Feeling OK?
Fred: Never better.

Some Hogwarts staircase
Luna: Harry!
Harry: No time!
Luna: Harry!
Harry: Very busy!
Harry: *turns his ass around and listens to her* Yes ma'am.
Luna: May I suggest asking the Gray Lady? As only Luna can because Luna rocks hardcore.

Outside Hogwarts
*about three million Voldermort followers shoot spells at Hogwarts*

The Chamber of Secrets
Ron: Good thing Harry talks in his sleep so I can open the door to the Chamber.
Hermione: It's kind of icky down here.
Ron: *grabs fang* Got one! You stab it.
Hermione: I'd really rather not.
Ron: Oh go on. You're the only one who hasn't gotten to stab one yet!
Hermione: Are naked people going to come out of it?
Ron: I guess we'll find out.
Hermione: *stabs horcrux*
Ron and Hermione: *get totally drenched*
Ron and Hermione: *stand there gasping like fish*
Ron and Hermione: *make out*
Alana, Anna and Arianna: Yay!

Outside Hogwarts
Voldemort: THEY'VE DESTROYED ANOTHER HORCRUX! NOW I'M REALLY ANGRY! *smashes through protective spells around Hogwarts* CHARGE!
*battle ensues*
Oliver Wood: Not the quidditch field! (Except for the fact that he wasn't there. We were sad, because he was ridiculously hot.)

Some room in Hogwarts
Harry: Er...excuse me? Are you the Gray Lady?
Gray Lady: Who wants to know?
Harry: I really, really, REALLY need to find your mother's diadem.
Gray Lady: There's a reason it's called the lost diadem of Ravenclaw.
Harry: Yeah, but this is really important. And I feel like you probably know where it is. And perhaps you told someone else at some point?
Gray Lady: *gets all scary* AND HE DEFILED IT!
Harry: Eep. I want to destroy it!
Gray Lady: Would you like to hear my sad, sad story?
Harry: I'd love to, but we're kind of on a schedule.
Gray Lady: Fine. It's in the room where everyone hides stuff.

Room of requirement
Harry: *looks around at all the piles of stuff from a million years of people hiding things* Crap. *starts looking* *hears diadem calling to him* It sure is a good thing I can hear the horcruxes calling to me!
*Ron and Hermione show up*
Draco: Ah ha! I've tracked you down with the help of Goyle and this Crabbe replacement. (Who I think is supposed to be Blaise Zabini, though he's never named). Wand please.
Goyle: *Fiendfyre* (Like the big idiot that he is)
Everyone: Ahhhhhh!
Goyle: *gets burned up by his own spell*
Ron, Harry and Hermione: *find brooms and head toward the door*
Draco: Mommy!
Harry: We have to save them!
Ron: Your savior complex is going to get us killed some day.
Harry: Must save! Must always be saving...
Ron: Fine! But if we die for them, I'll kill you!
Harry: *pulls Draco onto his broom and flies away* *Harry-Draco shippers cheer in delight* (It was super fraught with sexual tension)
Ron: *rescues the Crabbe replacement*
Everyone: Ahhhhhhhh!

Outside the room of requirement
Ron: Look inside Voldemort Harry! Look inside him just the way we've been warning you not to for ages!
Harry: Whimpering...Looks like he has a migraine... I know where Voldemort is.
Ron: Where?
Harry: In the boathouse.
Hermione: In the...where?
Harry: The boathouse.
Ron: We have a boathouse?
Harry: Apparently. And he's there.

The boathouse
Voldemort: Snape, you've been a good servant. A faithful servant. Seriously, one of my best. I love you like a son, so I'm not saying it's not strange that I'm not just going to Avada Kedava you but rather kill you in an incredibly painful and violent way.
Voldemort: *to Nagini* KILL!
Nagini: *kills*
Harry: *tries to stop the bleeding*
Snape: *to Harry, as he cries memory tears* Take them!
Harry: *takes them*
Snape: Look at me.
Harry: *does it*
Snape: You have your mother's eyes. *dies*
There really isn't any way to make that funny. It was very sad. We were all touched.

Outside the boathouse

Hermione: Where is everyone?
*in the great hall, all the dead and wounded have gathered. Tonks and Lupin lay dead side by side, as the Weasley's cry over Fred's body*
Sorry. No way to make that funny either. We decided afterward that we wished the movie makers had spent more time with the Weasleys.
Harry: *needs some alone time*

Dumbledore's Office
Harry:*pours memories into Pensive*
Memories: *swirly swirly*
In the past Lily: *makes flower open and close*
In the past Petunia: Freak!
In the past Snape: You're not a freak. You're special!
Memories: *swirly*
In the past Snape: Voldemort is going to kill Lily!
In the past Dumbledore: And what do you want me to do about it?
In the past Snape: Hide them all!
Memories: *swirly*
In the past Snape: You said you'd protect them!
In the past Dumbledore: You can protect her son.
Memories: *swirly*
In the past Dumbledore: So Harry Potter has a piece of Voldemort's soul in him. The only way for Voldemort to truly die is for him to kill Harry, thereby destroying the piece of his soul.
In the past Dumbledore: Why Severus, I didn't know you cared.
In the past Snape: *casts patronus*
In the past Dumbledore: Ah.
Memories: *swirly*
In the past Snape: *cries while holding Lily's body*
Memories: *swirly*

The Walk of Destiny
Hermione: Harry! Where are you going?
Harry: To the forest.
Ron: But...wait..what if...
Harry: No. Make sure you kill the snake, OK?
Hermione: We love you!

The Forbidden Forest
Harry: *pulls out the snitch Dumbledore left for him*
Snitch: I open at the close.
Harry: Ohhhh
Snitch: *opens and reveals resurrection stone*
*Lily, James, Sirius and Lupin appear*
Lily: Hi sweetie. You're almost there.
Harry: Stay with me?
Lily: Of course.
Bellatrix: Master! He comes!
Voldermort: The boy that lived, come to die.
Harry: *stands there*
Voldermort: AVADA KEDAVA!

Mystical King's Cross Station
Harry: *peaks under bench to find bloody fetus* Ahhh!
Dumbledore: You can't help it.
Harry: Gandalf?
Dumbledore: What? No, it's me. You're favorite headmaster. The one who left you a practically impossible task that ended with you sacrificing yourself. Watch out for my robes, they are very long and flowy.
Harry: Oh, it's you. Am I dead?
Dumbledore: I think not.
Harry: Is the part where you explain everything?
Dumbledore: Sort of, but not really. You have to get back. You have things to do.
Harry: But Voldemort has the elder wand. How can we possibly win?
Dumbledore: Help will always come for those who blahdity blah blah.
Harry: Can, just once, you give me a straight answer?
Dumbledore: *smiles cryptically*

The Forbidden Forest
Bellatrix: Master! Are you all right?
Voldermort: Stop fussing! Is the boy dead? You, with the skunk hair, go check!
Narcissa: Where's Draco?
Harry: Acting like a pansy up at the castle.
Narcissa: He's dead!
Voldermort followers: *cheer triumphantly*

Outside of Hogwarts
Voldermort: Behold! The boy who longer does!
Bellatrix: You tell them master!
Voldemort: Join me!
Neville: I'd like to make a speech! Harry didn't die in vain! We will fight on! AND WE WILL KICK YOUR ASS! *pulls sword of Gryffindor out of the sorting hat* CHARGE!
Harry: *springs up and takes off*
Ginny: He's alive!

The final battle(s)
Malfoys: Run away! Run away!
Ron and Hermione: *try to kill Nagini*
Ron and Hermione: *fail. Huddle together waiting to die...*
Neville: *SLOW MOTION SNAKE HEAD CHOP!* You are such a hottie!
Alana, Anna and Arianna: Yay!
*Bellatrix freezes Ginny and goes in for the kill...*
Alana, Anna and Arianna: Yay!! Hit her again! Hit her harder!
Mrs. Weasley: *kills Bellatrix with her own corset*
Viewing audience: *applause*
Harry: *dueling red light*
Voldermort: *dueling green light*
Elder wand: I'm so confused! *runs to true master*
Voldermort: *dies, turns to ash and blows away*
Harry:...I don't quite know what to say.

After the battle
Filch:*attempts to sweep up giant piles of rubble with tiny broom*
Luna: *sits next to Neville smiling serenely*
Neville: *knows he's badass and a hottie*
Harry: ...and so that's why the elder wand was really mine all along!
Ron and Hermione:....
Harry: Think about it for a little bit. It makes sense.
Ron: So what are you going to do with it?
Harry: *snaps wand in half, throws pieces into water*
Ron: Huh. I would have thought a wand would be harder to break in half.
Hermione: You didn't want to use it to repair your old wand that got broken in the last movie?
Harry: Oh. That would have been a good idea. Too late now.
Hermione: Let's just gaze into the distance and be thankful we're not dead.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *gaze into distance, holding hands in height order (Daniel Radcliff being the shortest, tee hee)*

19 Years Later
Harry: Come along adorable children. Time to catch the Hogwarts express.
Ginny: You can tell I'm older because I have a sensible haircut.
Harry: Yes dear, I can see that. Like you can see I am older because I have better glasses and gray hair.
Albus Severus: Dad, what if I end up in Slytherin?
Harry: Oh ending up in Slytherin would be the least of your worries. Your name is Albus Severus and you have a Justin Bieber haircut.
Albus Severus:...oh
Harry: No worries! Just ask the sorting hat to put you in Gryffindor.
Ron: Goodbye my child, who is also adorable.
Hermione: It's kind of interesting that everyone else has slightly gray hair or has gained weight or has sensible haircuts but I look exactly the same!
Ron: You have good genes.Whereas I don't because I have floppy hair now, and have a bit more girth around my midsection.
Hermione: True that.
Harry: Come now, let's gaze off into the distance. We three friends who made it through and now see the future of the wizarding world riding off to school. Perhaps we can ponder Draco's receding hairline and pubic like facial hair.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *gaze off into the distance*

The end. Sobs!


  1. impressive and complete job!

  2. I really liked it, it was funny at a few parts and at others plain weird. But it was very good. :D


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