Review of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

In case you're just joining us: Bella and Edward have a love like no other love that has every been loved before. They are so in love (how in love are they?), they're so in love that Bella has been begging Edward to vampify her since the first book, er, movie. That way they can be 2gether 4eva 4L. When we last left our heroes, Edward had just returned to Forks after Bella saved him from sparkling himself to death after Edward had left Bella for her own good which sent her into deep depression for like six months. Ahh, young love.

So we start off with Bella and Edward reading poetry in their meadow. The meadow, you'll be glad to hear, has return to its flowering loveliness after it went all barren when Edward left. Edward has that kind of power.

Edward is asking Bella to marry him again, but Bella's reaction to all marriage proposals is, "But I'm too young to get married!" Stay with me for a moment. Bella feels she's too young to get married. She's not "that girl." The kind of girl who gets married right after high school. Her parents would be so disappointed in her. However, she is the kind of girl who DIES RIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. BELLA. HONEY. YOU SAY YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED BUT YOU WANT TO DIE? YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT BECOMING A VAMPIRE MEANS DYING? Bella. Priorities. Yours are...questionable. Also, why does she care what other people think about her getting married? She's planning on ditching everyone she's ever known once she's a vampire.

Much like the other books/movies, we mess around for a while, screwing with the werewolf kid, before the plot shows up. The plot being that new-Victoria is making a vampire army to attack the Cullens so that new-Victoria can kill Bella, thereby avenging her dear James, may he rest in peace. I hate new-Victoria. Of all the characters in these movies, Victoria was the only one that when I saw her I said, "Yes! That's exactly how I pictured you! You're perfect. Also I love your hair!" And then they went a fired her and hired new-Victoria who was ALL WRONG and whose hair was not as nice. Boo, I say, to new-Victoria.

So that's happening. We also have the whole Jacob becomes a jerk stuff going on, and the Edward becomes crazy possessive. This would be the book/movie where Edward takes apart the engine in Bella's car so that she can't go and visit Jacob. For her own good, of course. And the part where we learn that, "No, I don't feel that way about you Jacob" actually means, "Yes, please keep bringing this up." You know, because "no" means "yes" and then Jacob force-kisses her and Bella punches him and breaks her hand. OK, that scene was pretty funny.

Right. So the plot. The newborn vampires are coming! What'll we do? Well, luckily we have Jasper to teach us how to fight newborns, who are super fast and strong and so forth. Which means...Jasper had multiple lines in this movie! And I learned he had a Southern accent. Which makes sense, he's suppose to be from Texas, but I never noticed it before, what with in the last two movies having a total of two lines. Also, Carlisle has an English accent now, which I'm pretty sure he didn't have before. I was all set for a montage training scene, when the techno music came in, but I didn't get one. How will I understand that time is passing and they're improving every day without a montage scene? Sigh.

Side note: What the hell was going on with Jasper's hair? I just don't understand how the vampires end up looking less attractive then the people who play them. We're supposed to be amazed by their beauty, yes? This is Jackson Rathbone in actual life:
Adorable. This is what he looked like in Eclipse:
Ahhhhh! Run away! His hair was distracting me the whole time. I thought it was silly looking in the first one:
but now we've gone to a whole other place.

The scene I'd been waiting for:
Scene: Edward's house. All the other Cullens are off hunting
Bella: You got a bed?
Edward: It's for sleeping on. Just sleeping. No other activities will be taking place on this bed.
Bella: Why can't we do the sex? Didn't you say how you wanted me to have human experiences?
Edward: Stop trying to take your clothes off Bella, no means no.
Bella: You don't like me at all!
Edward: We can have sex if you marry me. Marry me?
Bella: OK.

Then Edward gives Bella the most hideous ring ever.

So the epic battle is almost here and Edward and Bella go up on top of a mountain so Bella will be out of the way. It seems no one has checked the weather report and it starts storming and Bella is freezing and Edward can't keep her warm because he's like ice and all, what'll we do, oh, hi Jacob. So Jacob comes to snuggle her and keep her warm, much to Edward's disgust. Bella falls sleep and Jacob and Edward have a heart to heart and this is when I took out my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and started eating it because I got bored.

Jacob realizes that Bella and Edward are engaged and pulls a total asshole move to guilt Bella into kissing him and telling him how she loves him too. Don't worry about it Jacob. You don't really love her, you're actually in love with one of her eggs and after she has a demon baby you can imprint on it and all will be well. I hope I didn't just spoil anything for anyone. Edward is somehow totally cool with this, as he is secure in his knowledge that Bella loves him more.

The epic battle of the newborns v. Cullens/werewolves begins. It was pretty fun actually. Everything turns out fine, if you were wondering. Of course new-Victoria comes and finds Bella and Edwards rips her head off. THEN just when you thought we were all safe, there's one newborn left and Leah tries to take him on and then Jacob jumps in and gets crushed and he's all laying on the ground in pain, and WILL NO ONE GET THE POOR BOY A PAIR OF DENIM CUTOFFS FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE? While we didn't actually see he was naked we could tell because they wouldn't let his abs in the shot, which is most unusual.

Overall: I want Billy Burke to marry me. He's so wonderful. I loved every scene he was in. More Billy Burke! Also Jessica. They made her valedictorian, I assume so she could have some lines as they realized they had somehow ended up with an Oscar-nominated actress and should use her. Hysterical. More of her too, please.

This movie was better than the last two. Definitely. The wolves looked better, still sort of awkward, but better, and, thank God, they got rid of the twinkling sound when the vampires went out in the sun. But it was also less awesomely bad, which made it less fun. It still wasn't a good movie and if it isn't awesomely bad then it's just...sort of boring. Sigh.

The moral: Don't walk down a dark alley, at night, in the rain, all alone. Riley.