Breaking Dawn, part 1

Gather 'round children, for I have a tale to tell.

Once upon a time, there was a love like no other love that had ever been loved before.  Ever.  Alas, problems arose, for the boy, aside from looking like he was in constant pain, was an unchanging, undying vampire with mind-reading abilities.  The girl didn’t care, for she loved him so, and also had a tendency to crash in to things and needed someone to help her up.  Thus, the two decided to marry, after working out a deal that first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes sex, then comes vampifying, in that order.  So they shook hands to seal it and then the movie started.

Young Jacob Black, of the turning-in-to-wolves Blacks, is upset with his wedding invite, and therefore does what he always does when he’s angry – takes off his shirt.  Within the first ten seconds of the movie.  Jacob shrugs and says, “Things are going to get pretty boring pretty quickly, so let’s start things off right.”  He then turns into a wolf and runs away.  Poor Bella’s father, Billy Burke, who everyone loves, looks very sad and makes everyone want to snuggle him until he feels better, and Bella’s mom is still a flake.

Bella herself is preoccupied with learning how to walk in high heels, because she isn’t awkward enough as she is.  Alice and her soccer mom haircut have no sympathy, but become distracted by the boys who are carrying trees about.  Bella takes a moment to admire her vampire betroth, who is looking healthier than he ever has before.  “How thoughtful,” Bella thinks, “For Edward to not look like he has a wasting disease for the wedding.”

Bella returns to her childhood home to where she finishes packing her room, all alone.  BUT NOT FOR LONG, because Edward wanted to sneak into her bedroom one last time, because after tomorrow, he won’t have a reason to sneak in unless they’re role-playing.  Emmett and Jasper, whose hair is still an atrocity against all, living or dead, show up to escort Edward to his bachelor party, which does not involve naked ladies, but rather large animals but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Ah, the wedding!  A day of joy and nervous anticipation!  Or, if you’re Bella, a day of horror like no other horror that has ever been experienced before.  As she walks down the aisle, assorted by her father, they both look as though they were headed to the guillotine.  But then!  Bella catches site of her Edward, and she goes from pure horror to mere nausea.  That’s the power of love, children, that’s the power of love.  Bella’s school “friends” (friends is in quotations because we know that Bella doesn’t actually have friends, as she doesn’t need them as she has her vampire beau) make snide comments about how Bella clearly must be knocked up, as no one gets married at 18.  

Thank God, the wedding is over and now we can all party down.  And make delightful, awkward toasts that probably were the most amusing part of this story.  Jacob Black, of the can’t-keep-his-shirt-on Blacks, who has not come to the wedding, shows up to say goodbye to Bella and becomes full of RIGHTEOUS ANGER when he realizes Bella and Edward are going to try having sex while she’s still human.  Jacob Black, of the poking-his-nose-in-to-other-people’s-business Blacks is all, “He’ll kill you!”  And Bella is all, “Whys you got to ruin everything for me?”  And Jacob does what he always does when he gets angry: takes his shirt off.

And so our heroes depart for their honeymoon, to the private Island (the Cullens own a private island) of Esmee to attempt to do what Bella has wanted to do since her eyes first met Edwards from across the cafeteria: sex it up.  But lo!  Now that the moment has come, Bella is all sorts of nervous!  She stalls by doing human things like brushing her teeth and shaving her legs, even though we all know that there’s no way that Alice didn’t make Bella shave her legs before the wedding.  As ready as she’ll ever be, Bella goes skinny-dipping with her now vampire husband and they end back on their big fluffy white bed for the most over-hyped sex scene ever.  Ever.  The bed breaks and we faded to black.  Stupid fade to black.

Bella awakes in an awesome mood, covered in feathers, only to have Edward harsh her buzz because she's covered with bruises.  Edward, darling, are you new or something?  Bella does not care about her physical well-being, she wants to get it on with you some more and would you please stop making her play chess because this is the most BORING MONTAGE SEQUENCE EVER.

Two weeks later, Edward inquires, “Sweetie, are you gaining weight?”  “What?  What are you talking about,” Bella snaps, and just then the demon baby gives her a karate punch from the womb!  “Holy crap!” cries Bella.  “Hmmm,” muses Edward, “this doesn’t make any sense.”  “Which part?  The part where you somehow got me pregnant even though you’re an unchanging vampire or the part where...”  “Less talking, more action taking!” Edward yells, covering his ears with his hands so as to not listen to the fact that the whole world that has been created around him no longer makes any sense.  But Bella turns on “Papa Don’t Preach” and Edward knows he’s in trouble.

So our heroes return to the Cullen’s house where Bella sits on the couch for the next 45 minutes of the movie as her demon spawn sucks the life out of her.  It’s super boring.  Super, super boring.  Oh, they try to distract us from the fact that nothing is happening with the totally not necessary side plot with the wolves, which involves a scene that will no doubt be nominated for an Academy Award, due to its intensity.  So, so intense.  And echoy.  It was very echoy.  That’s how we know that the wolves were talking inside each other's heads, you see.  Anyway, Jacob Black, of the you-don’t-get-to-tell-me-what-to-do-I’m-grandson-of-a-chief Blacks, breaks with his wolf pack because they want to kill Bella thereby killing her demon spawn.  And while Jacob is all sorts of pissed at Bella, he still doesn’t want to kill her, preferring instead to wait until the demon spawn in born, and then just kill it.  Oh Jacob, you are in for quite the surprise.

So we return to the Cullen’s, where Bella continues to sit on the couch and look skinnier and skinnier and the viewing audience becomes more and more bored.  Edward passes the time by Googling, oh, I'm sorry, Yahoo searching, “demon baby” and getting in some product placement for Apple, and we figure out that the demon spawn wants blood.  Blooooood!  And that Edward can hear the demon spawn’s thoughts and they all become a happy family.  Jacob Black, of the has-everyone-gone-batshit-crazy Blacks, is not amused.  Baby names are discussed, everyone hates Renesmee but no one has the heart to say so (except that bitch Rosalie) because Bella looks like such crap.  Then the demon spawn breaks Bella’s spine.

Blood!  Lots of blood!  Blood everywhere!  For Carlisle happens to be out at the grocery store so Edward and Rosalie have to bite the demon spawn out!  Blood!  Lots of blood!  Oh, hello demon spawn.  Hey, Edward, you might want to spend less time smiling at your bouncing baby demon spawn and more time vampifying your wife, who’s dying.  And so Edward injects his venom into Bella’s heart and then bites her a whole bunch, but alas!  It might be too late (we’re not fooled though, we’ve all read the book, also there’s another whole half to this movie), and Jacob Black of the no-one-ever-listens-to-me Blacks, decides to kill the baby who killed Bella but he cannot!  He cannot for he looks into the tiny demon spawn eyes of the tiny demon spawn and imprints on her.  Ew.  But that’s that.  Because now the wolves can’t kill Renesmee, even though it might have been kinder as all the kids are going to make fun of her name at school, because they cannot attack someone one of their own imprints on.  It’s their highest law, which Edward so kindly informs us.

Bella, meanwhile, is vampifying, which we can tell as the circles disappeared from under her eyes and her hair becomes all glossy and we get to see shots of blood cells rushing through her body turning all silvery or something.  And then she opens her eyes!  And they’re red!  OMG!  Does that leave us on the edge of our seats for the next one (which apparently doesn’t come out for a whole year, which seems dumb)?  

Sure doesn’t, because this movie was SUPER SUPER BORING.  SO BORING!  OMG IT COULD HAVE BEEN 20 MINUTES LONG.  SO UNNECESSARY TO BREAK IT INTO TWO MOVIES.

The end.