Or, Get a Plan, Harry Potter.
Anna, Alana and I sallied forth to see the latest and second to last installment of Harry Potter. For the most part, I was fine with this one. I wasn't left with the WTF feeling I had after The Half-Blood Prince. There was still plenty for me to be all shirty about, of course, but really it still comes down to what I've thought about all of them: If you haven't read the books, you're probably kind of confused. Now, it's probably safe to assume that most people have read the books (although I know people who have never read the books and are very fond of the movies) so they can do a fair bit of filling in the holes. And there are plenty of holes.
Hello, it's Anna. I'm going to be adding a few thoughts, which will be in purple (obviously).
P.S. Arianna doesn't warn you but there are a crap ton spoilers here, so now you are warned. Proceed.
Hermione wipes her parent's memories.
Ron's house has somehow been rebuilt.
The Dursley's take off without Harry and Dudley getting to have their moment (too bad about that, that was a nice moment in the book).
Bill: Hello. I'm Bill Weasley. You've never met me before. I'm marrying Fleur soon, you remember Fleur, right? (Someone pronounces her name as Flower, which is super obnoxious)
Tonks: My HUSBAND is such a card.
Mad Eye: Everyone get that? We suddenly have another Weasley, he's getting married to Fleur, and Tonks and Lupin are married. We good? Let's blow this joint.
And they do. It does not go well, and Hedwig dies. HEDWIG! We will love you forever. Mad Eye dies too. Which is more of a side-note than Hedwig dying. But let's be real, we were all more upset about Hedwig dying in the book than Mad Eye.
The minister of magic: Dumbledore left you some stuff in his will. A light-putter out thing for you Mr. Weasley, a children's book for you Ms. Granger, and a snitch for you, Mr. Potter. Also, he tried to leave to you the sword of Gryffindor, but it's not yours and we don't know where it is anyway. Also hilarious interaction with George, Harry, and Ginny. "Good morning!" Is that a toothbrush in your ear George?
Xenophilius Lovegood: I'm Luna's father. You don't really need to talk to me, but please note the symbol around my neck, you'll need it later.
Patronus: Our goose is cooked. Run!
Hermione: We have to change! Luckily for you, I usually have a plan and have used the most awesome spell that makes my whole life fit inside my handbag. Jet setters worldwide envy me.
Ron: That is pretty sweet.
Harry: In here!
Hermione: It seems VOLDEMORT is still after you.
Ron: We suddenly have company! How did they find us?
Hermione: The people who have read the book understand, but anyone who hasn't won't and we don't explain it, which is weird because it would take like two seconds.
Harry: FOCUS PEOPLE!
#12 Grimmauld Street, where we move right along
Ron: RAB was Sirius' brother Regulus! He had the locket!
Harry: Kreacher, we don't have time to win you with kindness, just tell us what happened to the locket.
Kreacher: Mundungus Fletcher took it.
Harry: Fetch me Mundungus!
Kreacher (and Dobby): He's fetched.
Mundungus: I don't have it! The lady with the bow that works at the ministry has it!
The Great Ministry Heist
Hermione: You know, I don't feel great about this. I feel like we should plan and watch and plan again for weeks at a time before we try this. Also doesn't polyjuice take like a month to make?
Harry: No time for plans! Only action! Go!
They enter the ministry looking exactly like three kids entering the ministry who don't belong there. They are not smooth. Somehow, things do not go as planned, although they do get the locket, they also end up in the middle of the woods with Ron splinched and not in a good mood.
The Woods, where some really weird Harry-Hermione moments happen
So this part is about as exciting as it was in the book, which was kind of perfect, where the kids hang around in the woods trying to destroy the locket and then feeling pretty frustrated when they can't and they don't know what to do next. Ron is sure that Harry is moving in on Hermione, which in the book is all in his head but in the movie they actually make it like maybe Harry and Hermione DO have something going on which was just weird. SUPER WEIRD! Cringe-worthy in fact.
Ron: You have no idea what you're doing! Why don't you ever have a plan?
Harry: Well...because...Hermione usually has a plan...and...screw you!
Ron peaces out. Hermione cries. And then Harry and Hermione have this horribly awkward moment where Harry dances with her, I assume to try and cheer her up but it was just so, so weird. I had to hide my face in Anna's shoulder. Most of the audience had a nice little chuckle about this.
Hermione: I really think we should be in disguise, Harry, like we were in the book.
Harry: No, for a totally stupid reason.
Harry: Let's follow her!
Hermione: Always with a plan.
Harry: She wants me to go upstairs with her alone.
Hermione: I don't feel very good about this...especially now that I've discovered this fly infested room...with blood...dripping...HARRY!
Bathilda: *disintegrates and turns into Nagini*
Harry: Holy crap!
And she apparates them the hell out of there. Hermione is awesome. Sadly, Harry's wand has snapped.
Back in the woods
Harry follows the mysterious patronus, which leads him to the sword of Gryffindor frozen in a lake. Since Harry always has a plan, he magics a hole in the ice, strips down and jumps in. This is dangerous kids, please don't try this at home. The locket has other plans and tries to drown him. Luckily for us all, Ron has found his way back and saves him. And then THE MOST TERRIBLE THING HAPPENS.
Harry: OK Ron, I'm going to open the locket, and then you stab it with the sword. Do it quickly, because who knows WHAT crazy shit might come out.
Ron: Got it.
Harry: Open (only in Parseltounge)
Locket: BOO! WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT WERE WE? HEY RON, LEAST LOVED OF YOUR MOTHER'S CHILDREN, ETC. ETC. CHECK THIS OUT!
Imaginary Harry: I never liked you. Also, your girl likes me better.
Imaginary Hermione: For serious. Why would I like you when I can get with the Chosen One?
And then, we see a vision of Harry and Hermione macking it for all they're worth NAKED. NAKED PEOPLE. I mean, not really naked, you could totally tell Emma Watson was wearing like a white tube top thing, but it gave the appearance of nakedness enough that now both Alana and I were burying our faces in Anna's shoulders laughing hysterically leaving poor Anna with no place to hide her face. Thank goodness this unholy vision snapped Ron out of it long enough to stab the locket and put us all out of our misery. I would also like to note here that as I was unable to hide my eyes, I spent the 20 seconds (that felt like several years) laughing and snorting and quietly shrieking "Naked! Why are they naked?" Which I later realized is because the producers have decided that they can get more money by showing Daniel Radcliffe without his shirt on. Kind of like Robert Pattinson, except without looking like a cancer patient.
I'd read an article about how Rupert Grint was there while they were filming this scene and Emma Watson had to send him out of the room because he kept laughing. It must have been really weird. I mean these kids have grown up together, it's like making out with a sibling probably. Anyway...
Back to the woods
Harry: Hermione! Guess what? And guess who's back!
Hermione: WE ARE SO IN A FIGHT RONALD WEASLEY!
Ron: But...I was fiddling with the light putter-outer thingy, and then I heard you whispering my name, and then the light went inside me and then I knew where to go!
Hermione: You know, even though that's almost exactly what it said in the book, when you say it over swelling string music it sounds totally ridiculous.
Harry: Just keep talking about how that ball of light went inside your heart. She'll come around (that line was actually really funny).
Hermione: Something is up with this symbol thing, Xenophilius had it around his neck at the wedding, remember? Let's go talk to him.
Harry: You're not look quiet as sporty as you were last time. Can we come in?
Hermione: Can you tell us about this symbol?
Xenophilius: It's the sign of the Three Brothers. It would easier if you just read the story from your book.
Hermione: *reads story, which is accompanied by really cool and creepy animation, nicely done*
Harry: So the Hallows are real?
Ron: Aren't we going to ask where Luna is?
Hermione: Where is Luna?
Xenophilius: They took her! And now they're coming!
Hermione: *apparates them the hell out of there*
Where the kids get snatched
They get snatched by snatchers. There's a dramatic running through the woods scene, but all for naught.
Bellatrix: Before I begin, let me just remind everyone of how awesome I am.
Bellatrix: Excellent. Draco! Is that Harry Potter? His face is all swollen, it's hard to say.
Draco: *whimper* I don't know!
Bellatrix: You're useless! Wait, is that the sword of Gryffindor? The one that was in my vault? Where other important things belonging to Voldmort are kept? Except I'm not actually going to say any of this so if you hadn't read the book how would you know?
Bellatrix: Lock the boys up! I'm going to torture the mudblood.
In the dungeon
Luna: I am also awesome.
Olivander: I'm here too, also this goblin, Griphook, who's going to be more important than we let on right now.
Hermione: I DON'T LIKE THIS MOVIE ANYMORE!
Harry: *speaking to the piece of mirror that never gets explained and if you hadn't read the book you'd probably be totally confused* Help!
Dobby: Ta da!
Harry: You can apparate in and out of here?
Dobby: Of course. I'm an elf (that was an excellent line too).
Harry: Awesome! Let's go!
Ron: Maybe we could have a plan...
Harry: It's been almost two and a half hours, there's no time for plans!
Ron: We don't even have to the time for Wormtail to die?
Ron: But isn't that kind of important...
Harry: Let's roll!
Hermione: This has been a very bad day.
Bellatrix: IS THE SWORD REAL GOBLIN?!
Griphook: I don't know. Didn't I tell her it was a fake in the book? Why am I saying I don't know? Doesn't that confuse things for the next movie? Oh well.
Bellatrix: Fine, fine, but I'm bored. So I'm going to kill the mudblood.
And then there's some dueling, and then Dobby comes back from dropping off Luna and Olivander. And he takes care of business.
Dobby: Dobby doesn't have to listen to what you twits say anymore. DOBBY IS A FREE ELF!
Preach it Dobby! And he apparates them the hell out of there, but not before Bellatrix throws a knife....
On the beach
Dobby dies. It's sad. Poor Dobby.
Harry: I wish we had time to give him his head stone that says "Here lays Dobby, a free elf," but at least he got to say it.
Ron: Don't worry, we'll get our revenge in the next movie.
Oh yeah, Voldemort has been running around after the Elder Wand this whole time, talking to people who in the book died a hundred years before, and the last scene is him breaking into Dumbledore's tomb and taking the wand.
TO BE CONTINUED...
We had a fabulous time, plus Alana brought us Harry Potter Silly Bandz. We will be the coolest librarians in school. Also, we all agreed that if we could pick, we'd want to be in Ravenclaw. Knowledge and wit. That's what we're interested in. Also also, they better make time in the last movie for Neville to have his day. Neville is kickass in the last book, and if that gets skimmed over I will be forced to right a strongly worded letter. Which she does rather frequently, so this isn't an idle threat. I really enjoyed this movie, which I found astonishing as I didn't go to the sixth one and found all the other ones disappointing. I would like to say that I love Rupert Grint, he is wonderful. Bill Nighy and Rhys Ifans, are awesome. Emma Watson, you are perfection. Daniel Radcliffe, adequate. Well done all around. I am now excited for the last one!
What did you think of the movie?